Batman & Robin

Batman and Robin have set up their tent and are camping in the desert,
they are fast asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful
friend.

“Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Robin replies,” I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a  minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that

there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you,  Batman?”

Batman is silent for a  moment, and then speaks:

“Robin, you f**king idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

Cuckoo

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls”. I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.  Around 3 a.m.,
a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when  totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
  “Midnight”. He didn’t seem concerned at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why. He said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, “Oh Crap.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Funny

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is you’re
Mummy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a polis would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,” replied the whispered
answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the
hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are
they searching for?”
Still whispering, the youngster replied with a muffled giggle, “ME.”

Priceless Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night, she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
his old mule.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in
the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump,
and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harrassing him
again. Complain,…nag, …nag; it just went on and on….
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet;
caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his
head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so
I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Garfield

Attitude Problem

I wish…

Turn Around

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks
down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left
testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The little man faints and
falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him back to, shaking
him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little
guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me? ” The big dude says, “I saw your
curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3
pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Turner Brown?!…
well Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around”!